Dear Angelina Jolie.....

Your family sort of looks like the interior of the subway I take home.

Not Appropriate??

Oops.

Dear Investors.....

I have an idea for a show.

"AMERICA'S NEXT HOMELESS IDOL!!"

You see, being here in New York I amazed at the unseen talent that I get to see daily on the subway, off the subway, and in scary dark alleys.


I mean just the other day I heard a 50 year old black man sing "Ave Maria" in a soprano's key. I mean THAT is talent.

We could make it a webseries where people vote.

And the Winner gets......A HOME!!!!!

Dear certain girls.....

I would worry that you would be offended but I doubt you would know who you are.

Please stop giving relationship advice when you have never been in a relationship.

By this I mean, PLEASE stop being every handsome mans best friend so that you can sway them out of any potential relationship because of jealousy.


(you know the type right)

Oh yes, and to the extremely daft....

When you are in a room with a boy and a girl who have been in and out of a long relationship perhaps you should not Flirt and or Kiss the boy in front of said girl.
I mean I know you would NEVER mean to do something so inconsiderate (yeah right) but seriously learn how to gain some tact.

LOL JK ;0

but seriously

Dear God......

Here are some questions I will be discussing with you when I get to the pearly gates...Assuming YOU LET ME IN.

1. Periods... Really?? are they totally necassary? I realize that you are perfect and all, but I'm starting to believe that this was a pre-perfect mistake. Unless you hate women......Now THAT would make sense.

2. I have no other topic to discuss at this time. Why you ask?? I'm PMSing.

Dear Ward....

I'm sorry, but NEVER send me a text like this again.

THIS TEXT IS TO INFORM YOU THAT
YOUR TEMPORARY TEMPLE RECOMMEND
HAS EXPIRED. PLEASE CALL THIS
NUMBER TO RENEW....

Last time I checked I wasn't baptized a member of Blockbuster.

Lets keep it that way.

Dear Net Nanny.....

Thanks for cluing me in on my SINNER friends.

At my parents house, where I can often be found, we have NET NANNY on our computers.
This is really helpful for many things. I can't open my Victoria Secret emails, which is great because lets me honest, its basically porn. I can't access any bathing suits online, which is uber helpful, because they just really turn me on. And it is SO much easier to judge my friends without having to even read their blogs.

You see Net Nanny flashes a page that tells you why it has judged the page as unworthy to read, and will give you a brief description as to why.

Here are things I NOW KNOW about my friends.

SETH: gambles (spirit prison for SURE) www.ednas-blog.blogspot.com
WYATT: Adult Content (Wyatt, stop being so gratuitous) www.wy-wy.blogspot.com
NATALIE: Sex (The word Sex is in the title of her blog. Natalie, some of us DON"T want to have to see that word everyday. SOOOOO insensitive) www.mormoninmanhattan.blogspot.com.
Perez Hilton is OFF LIMITS

It is now so thorough that many of my friends facebook pages are blocked off as well.

HOLLAH!!! I love knowing that I will never have to see another page with a Scantily Clad women in a bathing suit hangs around a Casino. There have been WAY too many close calls.......

Dear God.....

Thank you for inspiring someone to make this video.

Dear people.....

I'm not one for bringing serious subjects into my bloggity blog world but I have something to gripe about.

I am by no means perfect (any ex-boyfriend could tell you that) but if you are going to be judgey mc judging someone maybe you should look at your life a wee little bit.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people, to save face, slander others with their SAME problems.

Example: Closeted Gay Man: "OMG!! did you hear about so and so. They are totally gay. OMG...that's so disgusting. What is this world coming to!"

ME: Thinking to my self "OMG!! did I just hear that right? because I totally saw closeted making out with one of my besties* just two nights previous.

*For those of you who don't know me well, my besties are always men.

We all know the casting stones thing.
Heaven knows I do it enough.
But just so you know...you aren't fooling anyone.

Dear Italian Man.....

You helped me to the airport, You carried my bags, and you kissed me.

I thought....#1. I LOVE NEW YORK
#2. You better not have oral herpes.



p.s. I don't remember your name.

Dear people who won't be offended....

Okay, so I guess there has been some MAJOR controversy over this website.
Is it bad that I think it is hilarious? probably....probably.

WHY MORMON GIRLS STAY SINGLE????

Dear Everyone.....

YOU MUST WATCH THIS....

Dear Wednesday....

I LOVED YOU THIS WEEK!!!


I Read three chapters in this lovely book for the THIRD time.

Jumped on the bed with the current love of my life.


And watched the season finale of this show!!!



Now I may RIP.

Dear Braden....

Thanks for making me laugh once again.


You can imagine after my FIRST trip to the BIG APPLE that I would have a lot of stories to tell, but in true Latimer fashion the stories of my showcase and interviews were quickly brushed aside, and my little brothers and sisters asked for less Theatre and more homeless man peeing on the corner.

They couldn't stop laughing as I would relay my misfortune of leaving the hot dirty subway only to step in a puddle of urine in the corner of the stairway.

Braden thought it was the most hysterical thing ever and made comments all night like, "I'm not going to be a basketball player when I grow up....I'm going to live in the subway." He would then look at me with this look which inferred that living in the subway would also mean peeing in the subway.

Later on I expressed how much I missed the Fresh Flowers on the corner in the city. I was just describing how my new york apartment would be lit up by peonies when Braden chirped up. "Wait, how can they have flowers in the corner? Won't they be numbered on?"

Numbered on???

It took me mere seconds to understand what my wee brother was trying to say.

Peed on.

Get it??

Number 1 and Number 2

In my conservative home Pee is a very bad word...........

and I have to cut this post short because I gotta go number.

Dear Joe.......

read a book

Dear Cole Webley...

Thanks for letting me do this spec ad.....
http://colewebley.com/index.php?/kodak/

Dear Asian Lady.....

I know that as you drove past me today wearing a mask that you probably had some very good reason, but I immediately thought you had SARS. I was scared.

Dear Ole Man of Mine.....

Remember that one time when you said I had a pin head??

Yeah, me too.

Dear anyone who understands....

Would you feel more offended if someone said....

"you gonna hit that?"

or

"you gonna tap that?"

Just wondering

Dear Utah Mormon Men.......

I don't know if you have read my post about Testimony Voices but if you did I know you thought you had escaped.

Well bad news. You haven't.

I would like to address something that is as, if not more, annoying than testimony voices. It is the Utah Mormon Man Smack.

If you don't know what this is pay close attention in church on Sunday. When any man (especially the older ones) gets up to say a prayer or give a talk you may or may not notice that between each thought is a smack. (The sound mostly resembles TSK)

I would like to speak today
(smack)
on faith
(smack)
It is something
(smack)
That should be very important to all of us.





Where I have noticed this the most is in blessings. The last couple of times I have received blessings I almost can't pay attention to whats being said because I'm always in Squirmy-I-Know-The-Smack-Is-Coming mode.

Is it the sound of inspiration?? If so, please let me surround myself with the un-inspired.

HAS ANYBODY ELSE NOTICED THIS???? ANYONE?????

Dear March......

I am in LOVE with you.

The reasons for my public declaration.

1. I have a car now. Yes, as of the first of this month I finally have a vehicle.
2. Now that my show is open I can finally watch LOST with my girlfriends. You have NO idea how important this is.
3. America's Next Top Model has started and although the girl with epilepsy has already been booted we still have the burn victim, the missionary, and the girl who likes nose bleeds.
4. CLAY IS COMING TO TOWN!!! Not as fat as Santa, but just as Jolly.
5. My Italian/Catholic/Actor is coming to visit...YIKES.
6. My seasonal hibernation is waning and I'm back from being the phantom friend.